


SOSburb

by Sporkaganza



Category: Homestuck, MS Paint Adventures, Suzumiya Haruhi no Yuuutsu | The Melancholy of Suzumiya Haruhi
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fusion, Crossover
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2011-02-15
Updated: 2011-05-08
Packaged: 2017-10-15 16:58:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 10,950
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/162923
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sporkaganza/pseuds/Sporkaganza
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What if the world was different?</p><p>What if the SOS Brigade didn't exist? What if Haruhi and her friends, stranded in their houses, only knew each other online? What if they played a game of a bit more consequence than Day of Sagittarius III?</p><p>Would they be able to make it to the finish line? Would Haruhi hold the universe in the palm of her hand?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. IT'S called SOSBURB moron!!!

**Author's Note:**

> First of all, I'd like to thank Gelzo from the TV Tropes Fora for being, in part, the inspiration for this fic! I know you came up with the idea first, so sorry for jacking it, but I just had to go for it!
> 
> With that out of the way, a note on the fandoms:
> 
> You don't necessarily have to know something about both works to get started, but it's highly recommended to have read Homestuck all the way through and to have experienced as much Haruhi as you can before jumping in.
> 
> That said, there's a bigger hurdle for people who are only fans of Haruhi Suzumiya as opposed to those who are only fans of Homestuck. There are a lot of complicated concepts from Homestuck that got imported here that I don't want to have to explain; meanwhile, there are pretty much no big concepts imported from the Haruhi series, only characters (although a few fandom injokes might be lost on you). However, a firm grasp on the animes, while not required, certainly isn't going to hurt.

\-- ultraDirector [UD] began pestering ordinaryHuman [OH] \--

UD: HEY there KYON! :D   
OH: hey haruhi, i guess it's tuesday, huh?   
UD: WHAT are YOU talking ABOUT now?   
OH: alternating caps and no caps for words... you do that on tuesdays   
UD: SO you ARE observant FOR once!  
UD: MAYBE eventually YOU'LL start SEEING things MY way AND stop BEING such A dumbass!   
OH: yeah, whatever... it's just another one of those weird things you do, it's kind of hard not to notice that stuff...   
UD: OH yeah RIGHT, you're JUST obsessed WITH me AND you KNOW it KYON!  
UD: SO, you READY to PLAY this GAME then?? :DD   
OH: you say it like i've already agreed...  
OH: sigh  
OH: there's no way i'm going to be able to say no to you, same as always.  
OH: fine, we'll play... salisbury or whatever it's called   
UD: IT'S called SOSBURB moron!!!   
OH: sauceburb?   
UD: no, STUPID! ess OH ess BURB!   
OH: yeah yeah, that thing. so is it today then?   
UD: YOU'D better BELIEVE it's TODAY, you DUNCE!  
UD: HONESTLY, how THICK can YOU be?  
UD: SO, i JUST called YOU here TO let YOU know that WE'RE starting!  
UD: YOU know HOW the GAME works, RIGHT?  
OH: it's the ring of server players thing, right?  
OH: lemme guess... i'm gonna be your server player?  
UD: OBVIOUSLY!  
UD: DO you THINK i'd TRUST anyone ELSE with THIS much WORK?  
UD: ER, i MEAN this MUCH responsibility?  
OH: sigh  
OH: yeah yeah, fine.  
OH: you want me to go tell the rest we're starting this?  
UD: ACTUALLY, i ALREADY told THEM all!  
UD: SO anyway, I'M going TO go HAVE some BREAKFAST and TAKE a SHOWER,  
UD: AND then LATER we CAN get STARTED!  
OH: hey wait  
UD: CYA!

\-- ultraDirector [UD] ceased pestering ordinaryHuman [OH] \--

OH: damn. she's always too fast for me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I finally am getting my fan fiction off of the MSPA forums and onto AO3! A million billion thanks to [SkaianRedeemer](http://archiveofourown.org/users/SkaianRedeemer/pseuds/SkaianRedeemer) for helping me out with my CSS problems and getting my fic as nice and pretty as it should be looking. If you haven't read [A Hand In Holding Hands,](http://archiveofourown.org/works/136167/) screw this silly fic! Go read that first instead, then come back here.


	2. Oh, forgive me, that was a bit too melodramatic, wasn't it?

\-- curiousConversationalist [CC] began pestering ordinaryHuman [OH] \--

CC: So, has she finally told you?   
OH: yeah, she just did right now.  
OH: i still can't believe we're going through with this.  
OH: i'm almost certain this game will be bad news.   
CC: Ah! Personally, I quite disagree.  
CC: I find it to be a most excellent development.   
OH: yeah, how so?  
OH: i don't see anything excellent about playing some lame RPG.  
OH: i don't see why she has to make such a big fuss about it.   
CC: You must remember that even seemingly the smallest of developments can seem vastly important to Suzumiya.  
CC: Personally, I think this will help curb her capricious behavior.  
CC: It's gotten worse lately. Have you noticed?   
OH: yeah, i guess.  
OH: but so what? it's not like the world begins and ends on her whims.   
CC: True, but when she gets agitated, she tends to coerce us into something.  
CC: Wouldn't you agree?   
OH: well yeah.  
OH: ...so, is that all you wanted to talk about?   
CC: Not quite.  
CC: I just wanted to let you know:  
CC: Try not to upset her too much, would you?   
OH: what the hell do you mean, upset her?   
CC: Well...  
CC: I'm trying to think of a way to put it delicately...  
CC: Being contrary for the sake of being contrary.   
OH: how the hell is that putting it delicately?  
OH: and i'm not contrary for the sake of contrariness!  
OH: i'm just the only sane one around here!   
CC: So the others are insane?   
OH: well, not exactly.  
OH: but you know... mikuru's nice, but she sometimes doesn't really seem to know what's going on.  
OH: tsuruya gets way more excited than is probably healthy.  
OH: taniguchi is just such a douche  
OH: kunikida is ok but he stands idly by and lets haruhi do her thing  
OH: and yuki's just... yuki.  
OH: although, i mean, i don't mind it.  
OH: she's nice in her own weirdo way.   
CC: Anyway, you're getting away from the point.  
CC: Just... be nice, would you?  
CC: If you don't... who knows what the consequences might be?   
OH: ...   
CC: Oh, forgive me, that was a bit too melodramatic, wasn't it?  
CC: I was just kidding anyway.   
OH: ...  
OH: sigh  
OH: yeah. fine.   
CC: See you later.   
OH: bye

\-- curiousConversationalist [CC] ceased pestering ordinaryHuman [OH] \--


	3. You really have no idea what her deal is.

Well, fine, Koizumi. Fine, Mister Smug. Fine. You guess you'll just have to kowtow to her like always. It's not as if it's difficul-

Oh, someone else is pestering you. And it's... that's weird.

\-- spectralSnowflake [SS] has begun pestering ordinaryHuman [OH] \--

SS: pr0ceed cauti0usly   
OH: ...  
OH: what, that's it?   
SS: yes   
OH: ...  
OH: for once, you pester me and not the other way around  
OH: and that's all you have to say?   
SS: yes   
OH: ...  
OH: is that really it?   
SS: yes   
OH: sigh  
OH: okay, fine. why should i proceed cautiously?   
SS: suzumiya is caprici0us   
OH: oh, not you too.   
SS: yes me t00   
OH: look, i'm gonna try not to piss her off, ok?  
OH: jeez, what is it with you people? first koizumi and now you?   
SS: yes  
SS: asahina has als0 asked me t0 pass a message 0n t0 y0u   
OH: ooh, really?  
OH: what is it?   
SS: it is the same message that i just gave y0u   
OH: ...  
OH: oh god dammit i hate all of you.   
SS: i see   
OH: oh i don't really mean that  
OH: i'm exaggerating  
OH: because i'm angry.   
SS: i see   
OH: ...  
OH: ...  
OH: sigh  
OH: well, see you later.   
SS: yes

\-- spectralSnowflake [SS] has ceased pestering ordinaryHuman [OH] \--

You really have no idea what her deal is.

Oh, here's Asahina! Even though you're sure she's going to annoy you about the same damn thing you were just warned about twice, it brightens your day anyhow. It's impossible not to be soothed by her balm.

\-- temperateTeamaiden [TT] has begun pestering ordinaryHuman [OH] \--

TT: Hello Kyon!   
OH: Hello, Miss Asahina!   
TT: Please, Mikuru is fine!   
OH: Oh, no. I wouldn't dream of it.   
TT: And you don't have to be all grammatically correct just for me~!  
TT: I know you don't use capitalization with anyone else.   
OH: Actually, I should type like this all the time.  
OH: It's much nicer.   
TT: Really~?   
OH: no, it's actually a pain.  
OH: you're right, why do i bother.  
OH: anyway, hey.   
TT: Um...  
TT: Kyon...  
TT: There's something I wanted to tell you.   
OH: be careful with haruhi, right?   
TT: Huh?  
TT: Why would I say that?   
OH: nagato told me that you told her to tell me that.   
TT: But I didn't... 3=   
OH: ... you sure?  
OH: i mean  
OH: you know as well as i do she doesn't make stuff up.   
TT: No, I'm sure...   
OH: that's weird...  
OH: well, whatever  
OH: what did you want to tell me?   
TT: I just wanted to tell you not to worry!   
OH: worry?  
OH: about what?   
TT: I know you've been concerned about this SOSburb thing...  
TT: I have to admit that it is a little fishy.  
TT: But it's just a game, right?  
TT: It seems like it could be fun~!!!! =3  
TT: So don't worry, okay?   
OH: oh...  
OH: uh...  
OH: thanks  
OH: you're good at cheering me up.   
TT: *blush*  
TT: Oh, don't!  
TT: It's nothing, really...   
OH: no, i'm serious.  
OH: it was great to talk to you.  
OH: anyway, catch you later.   
TT: bye~! =)

\-- temperateTeamaiden [TT] has ceased pestering ordinaryHuman [OH] \--

Aw, she blushed! Or, at least she typed "*blush*", which might not mean she actually blushed in real life. Maybe she did though.

Maybe you have a chance with her after all! Not that you'd ever pursue her. She's still way out of your league, and Haruhi would get mad that you were dating a friend. She made this big deal about not dating insiders; she's made her Internet friends out to be this little club almost.

She might not be all that far off the mark. It does all seem to revolve around her most of the time.


	4. ItsInThreeDays

**TUESDAY (3 WEEKS BEFORE CHAPTER ONE)**

\-- endlesslyReverberating [ER] began pestering temperateTeamaiden [TT] \--

ER: WHATS UP mikuruuuu~~  
ER: how are you!!   
TT: I'm okay. How are you?   
ER: oh im FANTASTIICCC!!  
ER: i am super megas EXCITED oh my GO~SH   
TT: Um, excited about what?   
ER: oh thats right  
ER: you dont know yet  
ER: nyoro~   
TT: Oh, wow! Is it a surprise?   
ER: sorta!!!!  
ER: its gonna be LOTS OF FUN  
ER: although maybes not the whole thing will be fun!!   
TT: You know, you say some confusing things sometimes... =S   
ER: hahahahahahaha!  
ER: i guess SO hahahahahahaha  
ER: hehehehe~   
TT: Uh...   
ER: i forgot what i was going to tells you!~  
ER: oooops  
ER: oh yeah thats right!!  
ER: i just wanted to tell you  
ER: that im looking MEGAS FORWARD to SEEING youuuu!!   
TT: I don't understand how you can be so sure that's going to happen...  
TT: I mean, I want to, but... =C   
ER: oh dont worry  
ER: itll happen! i know it will~  
ER: maybe i shouldnt tell you this itll spoil the SURPRISE  
ER: but i can see stuffs before they happens nyoro~!   
TT: Um, how does that spoil the surprise?  
TT: ???   
ER: hahahahahahahaha  
ER: i dunno i guess maybe it actually DOESNT spoil anything!  
ER: hahahahahaha...  
ER: anyway im going to go to bed now!   
TT: But it's two in the afternoon.  
TT: You've been sleeping a lot lately. Are you sure nothing's wrong?  
TT: I think you should see a doctor about it or something!   
ER: hahahahahaha! youre SILLY!!  
ER: nopes i just LOOOOOVE <3 dreaming nyoro~  
ER: i see all kinds of MEGAS COOL stuffs in my dreams!!!   
TT: Is it the same stuff that you see before it happens?   
ER: maybeeeeeees~  
ER: bye now!

\-- endlesslyReverberating [ER] ceased pestering temperateTeamaiden [TT] \--

TT: ._.

\-- endlesslyReverberating [ER] began pestering temperateTeamaiden [TT] \--

ER: oh i almosts forgots~!  
ER: later today if harunyan comes by to talk to you  
ER: tell her i said HIIIIII  
ER: and that theres something MEGAS MEGAS cool i want to showwws herrrrr!! :DDD  
ER: i cant tell her cuzz ill be BUSY  
ER: sleeping. i mean.  
ER: busy sleeping!!   
TT: Okay! I'll remember to tell her.   
ER: kthxbai!!!

\-- endlesslyReverberating [ER] ceased pestering temperateTeamaiden [TT] \--

TT: ._________.

 **SATURDAY (3 DAYS BEFORE CHAPTER ONE)**

\-- ultraDirector [UD] began pestering spectralSnowflake [SS] \--

UD: HelloYuki!   
SS: hell0   
UD: IsItReady?   
SS: n0t c0mpletely   
UD: WhatElseDoYouNeedToFinish?  
UD: HaventYouDonePrettyMuchEverything?   
SS: i must debug and c0mpile it   
UD: AndHowLongWillThatTake?   
SS: f0rty eight h0urs   
UD: ThatLong?!   
SS: yes   
UD: WellThatsCuttingItRatherClose!  
UD: RememberWeOnlyHaveUntilTuesdayToGetReady!   
SS: yes   
UD: SoYouBetterFinishItByThen!   
SS: i will   
UD: ItsInThreeDays   
SS: yes   
UD: WellGoodImGladYouKnow.  
UD: IsItGoingSmoothlySoFar?   
SS: n0 err0rs have yet been detected in the debugging   
UD: SoYouStartedDebuggingAlreadyThen?   
SS: yes   
UD: ImSurprisedYouWereAbleToDoItSoFast!  
UD: ...  
UD: YouKnowSinceItWasSuchAComplicatedJob.  
UD: ...  
UD: IMeanItsNotEasyToCodeSomethingSoBig.  
UD: EvenConsideringYouWereJustMakingAPort,  
UD: ItsNotEveryDayThatYouHaveToTranslateCodeFromAncientGreek!  
UD: ...  
UD: ImTryingToGiveYouAComplimentHere.   
SS: i see   
UD: Ugh.  
UD: YoureSuchAWeirdoSometimes!   
SS: yes   
UD: Uh...  
UD: WellAtLeastYouAdmitIt.   
SS: there is n0thing to admit  
SS: it is a fact  
SS: i am a weird0  
SS: all the time   
UD: UmYouReallyShouldntThinkLikeThatAboutYourself.  
UD: YouOughtToHaveMoreSelfRespect.   
SS: n0   
UD: ...  
UD: UhWhy?   
SS: at0nement   
UD: WellThatsAVagueAndSomewhatOddResponse.   
SS: yes   
UD: ...  
UD: OhJeezWhatever.  
UD: IHaveToGoNow,  
UD: JustRememberToTakeCareOfYourself.   
SS: i will   
UD: Good.  
UD: ItWouldntBeGoodIfYouStarvedYourselfOrSomething.   
SS: i d0nt starve myself   
UD: GoodSeeYouLater!

\-- ultraDirector [UD] ceased pestering spectralSnowflake [SS] \--

SS: i d0nt need t0 eat at all

 **TUESDAY (3 MINUTES BEFORE CHAPTER ONE)**

\-- ultraDirector [UD] began pestering endlesslyReverberating [ER] \--

UD: HEY there TSURUYA!   
ER: hello harunyan~!   
UD: WHAT is UP my DOG   
ER: im CHILLIN AND ILLIN homegirl!  
ER: woof woof!  
ER: hahahahaahhahahahahahahaahahahahahahhahahahaha!!!!   
UD: OKAY, calm DOWN. it's NOT that FUNNY you KNOW.   
ER: yes it is!!!!  
ER: i LOVES our injokess!!  
ER: nyoro~   
UD: THAT'S cool I guess.  
UD: SO anyway, YOU ready FOR the BIG moment?   
ER: er   
UD: WE'RE finally GONNA start PLAYING!   
ER: well   
UD: GOD i AM so SUPER excited!   
ER: actually   
UD: WHAT is IT? WHAT'S wrong?   
ER: um  
ER: well i dont really know how to say this   
UD: DON'T waste MY time WITH stalling!  
UD: EITHER you SAY it OR you DON'T!  
UD: AND mostly YOU don't!  
UD: I'M a WOMAN of ACTION!  
UD: I prize ACTION above ALL else!   
ER: ok ok! i gets it  
ER: i was just thinkingggg uh  
ER: maybe we shouldnt play sosburb after alls?  
ER: i means it is kind of... silly   
UD: SILLY?  
UD: HOW can YOU just DISMISS it as SILLY?  
UD: IT'S the MOST epic OF epics! IT's a COMING of AGE tale!  
UD: MONSTERS and MAGIC and KINGDOMS!  
UD: WE have TO do IT!!   
ER: well yeah thats what i thoughts too nyoro~!  
ER: that itd be FUN!!  
ER: but lately  
ER: ive been seeing um  
ER: some not so megas nice things in my dreams~~~!   
UD: LIKE what?   
ER: like... i dunnoooo  
ER: our friends getting hurt!   
UD: THAT'S to BE expected!  
UD: ANY good HERO has TO overcome ADVERSITY!   
ER: well yeahh buuuut  
ER: some of them looked like they were REALLY hurt!!!   
UD: THAT'S silly! YOU must HAVE misunderstood OR something!  
UD: ALL heroes OVERCOME seemingly IMPOSSIBLE odds AT the LAST second!  
UD: YOU worry TOO much ANYWAY! they're JUST dreams YOU know!   
ER: nooooooo! i keeps telling you they are NOT JUST DREAMS~!!! DDD:   
UD: WELL they're JUST prophecies THEN!  
UD: THEY don't HAVE to COME true!   
ER: i am pretty damn MEGAS sure that is NOT how it works!!  
ER: this is a mistake! i am telling you its a HUUUUUUUUUGE mistaaaaaaaaake!   
UD: YOU worry TOO much!  
UD: THIS is GONNA be AWESOME!  
UD: AND you're GOING to DO this WITH me WHETHER you LIKE it OR not!  
UD: THIS is OUR time TO shine, DOG!  
UD: WOOF woof!   
ER: stop it! thats not megas funny at all nyoro  
ER: youre sayings the stuffs thats are NOT and and and  
ER: and the things are the TOTALLY WRONG and you knowsssss itttt   
UD: I really DON'T know WHAT you're SAYING any MORE tsuruya!   
ER: ARRRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHH  
ER: I AM SO MAD I CANT TALKS GOOD NYOROOOOOOO   
UD: WELL, you'll JUST have TO stop BEING mad THEN!  
UD: SEE you IN the GAME world!

\-- ultraDirector [UD] ceased pestering endlesslyReverberating [ER] \--

ER: ...  
ER: ...  
ER: ...  
ER: oh  
ER: fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!!!!!!


	5. But couldn't you just have used Flugel Translate?

\-- deafeningFortitude [DF] began pestering dueDiligence [DD] \--

DF: hey dude whats up   
DD: Nothing much, just looking around on the internet for SOSburb stuff  
DD: No luck so far   
DF: cool   
DD: You?   
DF: just chillin and illin my dog  
DF: woof woof   
DD: Hahaha   
DF: so dude  
DD: theres this new transfer student at school  
DF: and shes seriously hot  
DF: fuckin a++ man   
DD: Really?  
DD: Sweet  
DD: What's her name?   
DF: umm  
DF: shit i cant remember  
DF: i think it was like  
DF: rina or something  
DF: or was it maybe sakura  
DF: cant remember  
DF: but anyway check her out  
DF: shes seriously gorgeous can barely take my eyes offa the photo

\-- deafeningFortitude [DF] sent dueDiligence [DD] the image "fuckinsexy.jpg" --

DD: Um, a JPEG?   
DF: oh no its not all like artifacts and shit  
DF: ripped it straight from the camera   
DD: Oh, okay  
DD: Yeah, she's quite pretty  
DD: She has really nice eyes  
DD: In general she's a cutie   
DF: eyes? youre weird  
DF: i mean yeah shes beautiful  
DF: but dude look at that body  
DF: its absolutely insane  
DF: never seen anything so bangin before in my life   
DD: Well, I figured that went without saying  
DD: So I decided to make a less obvious comment  
DD: So then you got the picture the usual way, then?  
DD: I was wondering   
DF: yeah man the female-bonding scam works every time  
DF: dont know what id do without my wingman  
DF: or uh wingwoman i guess  
DF: shes the truest bro ive ever met i swear  
DF: besides you i mean of course   
DD: I have two theories as to why Sakanaka pulls these ridiculous stunts for you  
DD: One: She really likes you  
DD: Two: She really likes girls   
DF: haha  
DF: no man shes totally into me  
DF: i can sense this shit  
DF: she totally wants to go on a christmas date with me im tellin you   
DD: Dude, Christmas is six months away   
DF: oh just somethin she said  
DF: she was all  
DF: i hope im not going to be alone again on christmas bro  
DF: and you know how much more obvious can you get right   
DD: I dunno, maybe she wants you to hook her up with someone  
DD: But would you take her if she did want to go with you?   
DF: uh  
DF: well probably i guess  
DF: i mean shes not an a++ by any means  
DF: but shes definitely at least a b+  
DF: which is still good  
DF: and honestly its not like the ladies are lining up to my door  
DF: you take what you can get right  
DF: but id still rather go with rinakura  
DF: (thats my nickname for her now)   
DD: Haha   
DF: i mean no offense to sakanaka  
DF: but i mean given the choice  
DF: would you rather go with a princess  
DF: or like  
DF: your cute stepsister  
DF: nothin wrong with your cute stepsis  
DF: its just that the princess is even better  
DF: and also probably isnt related to you  
DF: i mean its okay if its not by blood  
DF: but still rite  
DF: you know what i mean   
DD: Yeah, I guess so  
DD: Still, Sakanaka has always been there for you   
DF: oh no true that  
DF: actually shes comin over today  
DF: were gonna have some really sweet bro times  
DF: gonna mix this shit up  
DF: get our chill on   
DD: Are you sure it's a good idea?  
DD: Your day might be taken up by SOSburb   
DF: hey she can play it with me  
DF: sounds like one of those things thats more fun the more buds you have with you   
DD: Yeah, I guess  
DD: Hold on, someone else is trying to pester me  
DD: See you in a bit   
DF: k

\-- dueDiligence [DD] ceased pestering deafeningFortitude [DF] \--

\-- dueDiligence [DD] began pestering ordinaryHuman [OH] \--

OH: hey kunikida, you're good with english right?  
OH: hello?  
OH: hey, you there?  
DD: Sorry, I was talking with Taniguchi  
DD: Yep, I'm moderately proficient in English, why?  
OH: don't worry, it's fine dude  
OH: anyway.  
OH: it's just haruhi and i are playing sosburb.  
OH: and we've been doing okay  
OH: we've wrecked her house putting in these machines  
OH: and we've carved some kind of egg thing  
OH: but we're stuck now  
OH: so i thought maybe a walkthrough would work.  
OH: but haruhi gave me this bullshit:  
OH: <http://tinyurl.com/ya8g9ef>  
OH: so could you try and figure it out for us?  
OH: specifically, anything about this...  
OH: blue sphere thing that bugs you in...  
OH: like, wingdings font or something?  
DD: Sure  
DD: But couldn't you just have used Flugel Translate?  
OH: dude, what?  
OH: i thought you were smarter than haruhi  
OH: that was her suggestion too  
OH: flugel translate is a pile of shit, everyone knows that  
OH: you know the old joke  
OH: the vodka is good but the meat is rotten  
DD: Well, of course  
DD: It would just be quicker  
DD: But yeah, lemme just read this  
DD: ...  
DD: Hahaha, wow.  
DD: I dunno if this... tentacleTherapist... is like a hardcore roleplayer or something  
DD: But he's being really melodramatic here  
DD: Babbling on about the end of the world or something  
DD: In quite flowery language, I might add  
DD: "There will be no majestic prose blustering into the sails of a galleon as we embark on this voyage together"  
OH: haha, a bit late to say that dude  
OH: what a douche that guy must be  
OH: but seriously, i think this game is on a timer or something  
OH: could you tell me anything about the blue thing?  
DD: OK  
DD: ...  
DD: All right, apparently it's called a "kernelsprite"  
DD: And you have to "prototype" it  
OH: what's that mean?  
DD: As far as I can tell?  
DD: It means you shove some stuff into it  
DD: And it'll transform or something  
DD: It becomes something like a spirit guide, apparently?  
DD: Sort of like the Microsoft paper clip guy only hopefully not as annoying  
DD: And a lot more helpful  
DD: It'll tell you loads of useful information about the game  
OH: ok, sweet  
DD: Oh, and apparently you have to do it twice for...  
DD: Some reason  
DD: The diarrhea of the mouth the writer's suffering from makes it kind of hard to decipher  
OH: right, cool then, thanks  
OH: i'll just copy all this into my pesterlog and-  
OH: oh shitting fuck no what the hell is this  
DD: What's wrong?  
OH: i knew i shouldn't have turned my back on this knucklehead  
OH: she just charged on ahead without me  
OH: and she archetyped my kernelsprite into  
OH: god i don't even know  
OH: an abomination  
DD: Prototyped  
DD: And what do you mean your kernelsprite? I thought it was hers  
OH: oh uh yeah dude that's what i meant its just  
OH: oh god fucking SHIT motherfucking dammit  
OH: this is wrong in so many ways  
OH: i have to go now and hold hands with this kindergartener  
OH: hope she doesn't fuck up like this again  
DD: OK  
DD: Seeya  
DD: Hope you can fix whatever it is that got messed up  
OH: nope i'm pretty sure there's no turning back  
OH: but don't worry, it's not, like, game breaking or something  
OH: the game's still on!  
DD: Awesome  
DD: I can't wait to join in  
DD: See you later  
OH: bye

\-- ordinaryHuman [OH] ceased pestering dueDiligence [DD] \--

\-- dueDiligence [DD] began pestering deafeningFortitude [DF] \--

DD: All right, I'm back now  
DD: So, like I was saying, the Tigers look like the team to beat this year   
DF: oh come on no way dude   
DD: No, I'm serious


	6. please try not to mess anything up while i'm gone

**THREE HOURS AGO**

BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP

Ugh... stop it...

BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEE-

Ah, that's better.

You are a young man, FIFTEEN YEARS OLD, who has just been awakened by a beeping alarm clock. You live an ordinary life for the most part. You have a DEPRESSINGLY SMALL RANGE OF INTERESTS. You usually spend A LARGE PORTION OF EVERY DAY trapped in the gulag known colloquially as a HIGH SCHOOL; however, you are currently ON HOLIDAY. Although you would rather SLEEP IN, you have no idea how to SET YOUR ALARM CLOCK and find that every time you wish to change the setting, you CANNOT BE BOTHERED. Your FREE TIME is mostly taken up by SURFING THE INTERNET and instant messaging your FRIENDS YOU HAVE NEVER MET IN PERSON.

You have NO NAME. Instead, you go by a nickname: "KYON." This name does not mean anything and never will.

What will you do?

Sleep? I bet you'd like to sleep some more, wouldn't you? Well, okay. Go ahead and get some more res-

"Kyoooooooooooon!"

Oh dammit, it's YOUR LITTLE SISTER. Never mind then. She's not going to let you sleep. She has a strange obsession with keeping you from getting a good night's rest.

"Waaaaake uuuuuuup Kyooooon! I made you breakfast!" she says. You're not sure how she can be so damn chipper, but you wish you knew her secret. (You fail to remember what it was like to be little. If you were able to, you could easily account for this mystery.)

"Mfgngjgm..."

"I'm gonna jump on you if you don't get up!" (This is KIND OF HER SHTICK. It's probably killing you slowly.)

"No, stop it, I'm up, no jump."

"That's what I thought. Come on, let's have breakfast!"

You very nearly ask if it's INSTANT NOODLES again, but you are aware that it's the only thing she knows how to "make". Instead you force yourself to sit up, and you slowly prepare to stand.

 **NOW**

OH: ok, so now that we've got the totem, i guess we're supposed to do something with it?  
UD: YEAH, i'm NOT totally SURE either!  
UD: HEY kyon, DO you KNOW what THIS thing IS?  
OH: what thing?  
UD: THE blue THINGY that KEEPS bugging ME!  
OH: um, i dunno.  
OH: is there, like, a walkthrough or something?  
UD: LAME!  
UD: DON'T you HAVE any SENSE of ADVENTURE?  
OH: nope.  
UD: UGHHHH fine!  
UD: I knew YOU were GOING to BE a BABY, so I found ONE already!  
UD: HERE you LAMEAZOID.  
UD:  <http://tinyurl.com/ya8g9ef>  
OH: cool, thanks-  
OH: ...dammit haruhi.  
UD: WHAT?  
OH: what do you mean what?  
OH: this walkthrough is in english.  
UD: YEAH i KNOW, so?  
OH: oh, nothing.  
OH: it's just that i'm a japanese person  
OH: living in japan  
OH: speaking fucking japanese!  
OH: i don't have a damn clue how to read this!  
UD: OH come ON! you've LEARNED english IN school RIGHT?  
OH: sure, i know how to say "hello, how are you?"  
OH: but that's almost literally all.  
UD: FINE, then USE flugel TRANSLATE, jeez!  
OH: what? everyone knows flugel translate sucks ass.  
UD: WELL, then GO ask SOMEBODY who's GOOD with ENGLISH!  
OH: whatever, fine.  
OH: i'm gonna talk to kunikida, i think he's pretty good.  
OH: he has a couple relatives in america i think.  
OH: please try not to mess anything up while i'm gone  
UD: FUCK you! :D  
OH: oh gee great thanks

\-- ordinaryHuman [OH] ceased pestering ultraDirector [UD] \--

You are a young woman, FIFTEEN YEARS OLD, who is playing a game of SOSBURB with her BEST FRIEND, a young man named KYON whom she has NEVER MET IN PERSON. You have a WIDE VARIETY OF INTERESTS. You very much enjoy SCIENCE FICTION and THE SUPERNATURAL, and you have RATHER LARGE COLLECTIONS of PARAPHERNALIA RELATED TO THEM. You also enjoy BEING BOSSY. You don't have any paraphernalia devoted to that, but THEY DON'T REALLY MAKE ANY SUCH THINGS. Right now you are waiting for Kyon to tell you WHAT THE HELL YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE DOING.

What will you do?

You decide to examine the FLOATY BLUE THING. You are not sure what it is. It's just sort of following you around, emitting random beeps and whizzes along with intermittent static. It's A LITTLE EERIE and KIND OF ANNOYING.

Maybe, you reason, it wants something. What would it want, though? Surely, a weird floaty blue thing wouldn't need much. It doesn't appear to need to eat or breathe. Honestly, you're not sure if it'd tell the difference no matter what you gave it.

Maybe A BOOK would do. Everybody likes to read, right? Maybe you could teach it SOME KANJI. You'd offer it A REGULAR BOOK, but you don't have any, so A JAPANESE MANGA will have to do. You have a few lying around that you could give it. Most of them you'd RATHER KEEP, but there are a few YOU COULD STAND TO LOSE.

Like this one, called SHOUJO NO KAWAII. It's about A GIRL who turns everyone and everything around her into CUTE GIRLS and CUTE GIRLY THINGS, respectively. You're not sure if it's A GAG MANGA like the back cover claims or if this is THE AUTHOR'S SECRET FETISH. Either way, it certainly could stand to be lost, and you're sure the floaty blue thing will appreciate it IN ITS OWN WEIRD WAY.

Maybe you should wait for Kyon, though. He was supposed to tell you about this thing.

Nah. You're sure it'll be fine.

You SHOVE the book into the "FACE"(?) of the blue thing.

Something weird begins to happen! The blue thing SHIVERS FOR A MOMENT and suddenly CHANGES.

It's still sort of a bubble, but now it's PINK, and it's got something inside it: the face of a CUTE LITTLE MANGA-STYLE GIRL. She has REALLY BIG EYES, ALMOST NO NOSE, and a BIG SMILE. She is definitely SUPER KAWAII. The kernel has switched from MAKING FEAKY NOISES to GIGGLING AND BABBLING.

Well, that sorta... DID SOMETHING. You suppose it... CHANGE-IFIED the blue thingy into a... well, a PINK THINGY WITH A GIRL'S FACE IN IT. You're not sure what the point of that was. And it still doesn't seem to be speaking JAPANESE, or... well, ANYTHING COHERENT. Just giggling and babbling oddly.

I guess it becomes whatever you put into it, but this isn't very helpful. It'd be better to have someone around telling you important stuff.

Hey, that's it! You have a PICTURE OF KYON you managed to get after BADGERING HIM FOREVER to see what he looked like. He reluctantly agreed, AS LONG AS YOU RECIPROCATED. You said you would, but you never got the opportunity. Well, UNTIL NOW, come to think of it.

Anyway, this will do nicely! You DROP IT INTO THE PINK THINGY.

Creating...

KYONKOSPRITE: oh my god  
KYONKOSPRITE: you've gotta be fucking kidding me  
KYONKOSPRITE: what did you do  
KYONKOSPRITE: WHAT DID YOU DO  
KYONKOSPRITE: uguu~

 **YEARS IN THE FUTURE**   
(but not many; three, to be exact)

The CHIPPER CASTAWAY composes his carapace confidently.

 **> Nice work, if I do say so myself.  
>If you'll excuse me, I have teatime to attend to.**

EARL GREY, hot.

 **THREE WEEKS IN THE FUTURE**

There it is. A UNIVERSE.

A universe that could fit in the PALM OF YOUR HAND.

All you have to do is TAKE IT. All the planning, all the struggle, all the successes and all the failures, all the wise decisions and all of the mistakes, all of the joy and all of the pain, all for THIS.

All you have to do is HOLD OUT YOUR HAND.

Then you'll get another chance.


	7. but i'd appreciate being treated with some modicum of respect?

KYONKOSPRITE: i can't believe this.  
KYONKOSPRITE: no, this must just be my imagination. yeah, that's it. or a dream, yeah, a dream.  
KYONKOSPRITE: ...  
KYONKOSPRITE: okay, make believe time is over!  
KYONKOSPRITE: god dammit haruhi!  
KYONKOSPRITE: i feel like such a moron right now!

HARUHI: HEE hee! YOU really ARE kyon!

KYONKOSPRITE: actually no, i'm not even that!  
KYONKOSPRITE: see i was prototyped with a picture of kyon  
KYONKOSPRITE: so i'm just like... based off him or something?  
KYONKOSPRITE: but really i'm not actually him.  
KYONKOSPRITE: although i feel like i'm him, so it's a little strange.  
KYONKOSPRITE: uguu~  
KYONKOSPRITE: (oh lord did i really just say that?)  
KYONKOSPRITE: anyway, that crap isn't important!  
KYONKOSPRITE: let's talk shop.

HARUHI: HOLD on! I'M getting A message FROM you!

\-- ordinaryHuman [OH] began pestering ultraDirector [UD] \--

OH: haruhi, hey uh  
OH: what the hell's that thing? is that what i think it is?   
UD: IT'S kyonko!  
UD: LIKE a GIRL version OF you!   
OH: the fuck?!  
OH: why did you think this was a good idea?  
OH: this is terrible. what'd you even put into it!   
UD: JUST some MANGA and YOUR picture YOU sent ME!   
OH: fuckin' a, i knew i shouldn't have sent you that picture.  
OH: this is... this is absolutely preposterous.  
OH: this is the most bullshit thing you've ever done, and that's saying something.   
UD: HEY! that's NOT very NICE!  
UD: SHE has FEELINGS too YOU know!   
OH: feelings? it's based on a photograph! that's not a real person. it's just a game construct.   
UD: KYON, how CAN you SAY that?  
UD: THAT'S not COOL, dude!  
UD: OH hold ON, i THINK she WANTS to TALK to YOU!   
OH: oh that's just fucking dandy.

\-- ultraDirector [OH] ceased pestering ordinaryHuman [OH] \--

\-- ordinaryHuman 2 [OH2] began pestering ordinaryHuman [OH] \--

OH2: hey kyon, it's kyon.  
OH2: could you try not being such a douche please, kay thanks.   
OH: oh, so it can use pesterchum?   
OH2: wow dude okay.  
OH2: i wasn't aware i was this judgmental.  
OH2: i'm not an it, i'm a she, first of all.  
OH2: second, yeah, i'm borrowing haruhi's iphone, what of it? i may be a sprite, but i'm not a fucking ghost.  
OH2: finally, i'm supposed to help you, but i don't have to if i don't want to, so i suggest you make me want to!   
OH: you're helping haruhi, not me. i don't really care what the hell you say you are.  
OH: you're a manga photograph sprite thing.  
OH: who just happens to look and talk like a female version of me.   
OH2: look, yeah, i know, i was prototyped with a weird kinky manga and a stupid picture, okay?  
OH2: i should think it was a miracle that i even turned out to be able to think at all  
OH2: so that's fine and dandy or whatever  
OH2: but i'd appreciate being treated with some modicum of respect?   
OH: all right. fine then, kyonkosprite. if that is what you want to be called.   
OH2: no, kyonko is fi-  
OH2: no i mean kyon is fine dammit!  
OH2: crap, i don't wanna be a girl   
OH: too bad i guess, i don't think there's a way to de-prototype.   
OH2: you're right. there's not.  
OH2: but i'm really getting off-track here. i probably should start giving haruhi the whole spiel about all the game stuff.  
OH2: it's kinda bogus but it's my job, right?  
OH2: and i can't believe i'm saying this, but i'd much rather talk to her than you right now.   
OH: what, are you crazy? she's nuts and i'm sane. so either you're crazy too or just in love with her or something!   
OH2: hey! i-it's not like i like her or anything!  
OH2: she's just being a lot more accepting of me than you are.  
OH2: you could learn something, bro.   
OH: whatever, fuck off and tell her the shit she needs to know.  
OH: actually, i'm kind of interested to know too.   
OH2: all right, fuck you too. i'll do that then.  
OH2: uguu~

\-- ordinaryHuman 2 [OH2] ceased pestering ordinaryHuman [OH] \--

HARUHI: SO, how'd HE take IT?

KYONKOSPRITE: like a total douchebag.  
KYONKOSPRITE: i frankly expected better from myself.

HARUHI: DON'T worry, I'M sure HE'LL come AROUND!  
HARUHI: HE'S an IDIOT but HE'S not ACTUALLY a MEAN guy!

KYONKOSPRITE: heh, thanks for the compliment.  
KYONKOSPRITE: so, do you want to hear all the cool details?  
KYONKOSPRITE: oh wait, first i gotta tell you  
KYONKOSPRITE: that totem?

HARUHI: THE egg THING you MEAN?

KYONKOSPRITE: yeah, the egg thing.  
KYONKOSPRITE: it's a sort of a puzzle.  
KYONKOSPRITE: i think it's supposed to be some sort of symbolic thing that i can't tell you  
KYONKOSPRITE: but you're supposed to hatch it.  
KYONKOSPRITE: so, uh... you should probably do that before the meteors land on your house and kill you.

HARUHI: ...  
HARUHI: WHOA!!

KYONKOSPRITE: yeah, there's that thing...  
KYONKOSPRITE: this game kind of is designed to destroy your world.  
KYONKOSPRITE: uhh...  
KYONKOSPRITE: i'm sorry that this is all kind of bullshit. i don't make the rules here.

HARUHI: NO, don't WORRY!  
HARUHI: IT sounds COOL!

KYONKOSPRITE: oh. yeah. i forgot this was haruhi i'm talking to.  
KYONKOSPRITE: then yeah just... hatch the egg.

HARUHI: OKAY!

KYONKOSPRITE: lol, you're just gonna sit on it then? you're silly, uguu~  
KYONKOSPRITE: oh god i wish i could stop saying that! fuck.

HARUHI: IT'S okay, I think IT'S cute!

KYONKOSPRITE: i don't wanna be cute! i wanna be a boyyyyy~ 3:  
KYONKOSPRITE: oh dammit i even said that in a cute way.  
KYONKOSPRITE: anyway no, i guess sitting on it will work.

It DID WORK. Let's SKIP AHEAD a bit.

KYONKOSPRITE: okay haruhi  
KYONKOSPRITE: now that we're done with that bullshit  
KYONKOSPRITE: wanna hear all the cool stuff?

HARUHI: YES yes YES yes YES yes YES yes YES!

KYONKOSPRITE: ha ha, okay! you're cute when you get really into this stuff.  
KYONKOSPRITE: um er i mean!!! ._.  
KYONKOSPRITE: you're stuck in the medium.

HARUHI: OOH, the MEDIUM? what's THAT?

KYONKOSPRITE: it's sort of this limbo thing. you basically have to build your house reallllly tall to get into the first gate.

HARUHI: THE first GATE?

KYONKOSPRITE: you have to go through all these gates to get to your final destination, skaia.

HARUHI: SKAIA, huh?

KYONKOSPRITE: would you quit doing the metal gear solid thing already?  
KYONKOSPRITE: just let me talk and i'll tell you this stuff.  
KYONKOSPRITE: i might ramble a bit though.  
KYONKOSPRITE: there's this speech i'm supposed to give but it's kinda fruity honestly.

HARUHI: COOL, okay, SORRY! i'm JUST really EXCITED!

KYONKOSPRITE: nah, it's cool!  
KYONKOSPRITE: so here's the deal, generally.  
KYONKOSPRITE: there's this fight going on in skaia, at the center of the incipisphere.  
KYONKOSPRITE: there are these chess guys. you know, chess, the game koizumi sucks ass at?  
KYONKOSPRITE: the white and black teams have been fighting an epic war for centuries or millennia or like decades or something  
KYONKOSPRITE: but eventually, the white pieces will lose. it's fated. or i guess coded, or whatever you want to call it.  
KYONKOSPRITE: so you guys have to defeat the black pieces.  
KYONKOSPRITE: but to do that, you have to travel through all the seven gates and defeat these monster guys called imps and level up enough so that you can even stand a chance in hell at defeating them.  
KYONKOSPRITE: and solve all these puzzles and riddles that give you information about the game.

HARUHI: SINCE it's NO fun IF you JUST tell US everything AND we DON'T figure ANYTHING out!

KYONKOSPRITE: yeah, well, that's the theory. i'm not so sure i like it much! uguuuuu~  
KYONKOSPRITE: fuckin' a, guess i better get used to that.  
KYONKOSPRITE: why'd you have to protoype me with something so weird?

HARUHI: SORRY! i KINDA didn't KNOW what I was DOING!

KYONKOSPRITE: heh, never thought i'd hear you say that.

HARUHI: HEY! shut UP!

KYONKOSPRITE: hee hee! so anyhow.  
KYONKOSPRITE: when you prototyped me, the two kernels (you know, the creepy manga and the stupid photo) went to different places.  
KYONKOSPRITE: one goes down to this dark kingdom placey thing, the other to the light kingdom placey thing.  
KYONKOSPRITE: they end up on these eight spires. one for each of your teammates, although that's supposed to be secret.  
KYONKOSPRITE: then something about a throne, yada yada yada, just world building, don't think it really means jack  
KYONKOSPRITE: anyway the journey you're about to take is actually a huge riddle in itself. it's the ultimate riddle.

HARUHI: THIS sounds SUPER awesome!

KYONKOSPRITE: yep... i guess so.  
KYONKOSPRITE: oh, one more thing:  
KYONKOSPRITE: i can't go with you through the first gate. it's against the rules.  
KYONKOSPRITE: but later on you can unlock this cool pendant that lets me show up and help you out.  
KYONKOSPRITE: i wish i could give it to you right now, but... you know, them's the breaks.  
KYONKOSPRITE: just remember, i'm here to serve you! :3  
KYONKOSPRITE: ......  
KYONKOSPRITE: i mean... because it's my job! i-it's not like i like you or anything!!!

HARUHI: ARE you BLUSHING?

KYONKOSPRITE: no!!!!!!!!!!!

HARUHI: YOU'RE such A tsundere, KYONKO!

KYONKOSPRITE: oh shut up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew! I finally managed to upload all the chapters I've done before.
> 
> Don't expect a new one until at least tomorrow; all that work getting the formatting to work on AO3 has taken a lot out of me.


	8. i hate this game already.

Copy, paste, copy, paste, copy, paste. Building is easy. If you don't mind sloppiness that would make an actual architect cry, anyway. But it's just a game, right? At least, that's what I tell myself, but since I'm actually building shit in her actual house, that's a pretty shaky argument.

Haruhi's told me a little bit about how this "game" is supposed to pan out. Meteors crashing toward the Earth and killing everybody? That's not exactly what I had in mind when I started playing this game. There's nothing better to do now, though, than "build" like a baby stacking blocks on top of each other and hoping they don't fall. At least, until I join the game. Where the hell's Asahina? I've been pestering her forever.

\-- ordinaryHuman [OH] began pestering temperateTeamaiden [TT] \--

OH: asahina?  
OH: miss asahina?  
OH: hey, asahina?  
OH: hey?  
OH: you there?  
OH: what's going on over there, anyhow?   
TT: Oh, uh, sorry! =(  
TT: There's been, uh... some... stuff happening over here that I've been taking care of.   
OH: what kind of "stuff"?  
OH: is everything ok?   
TT: Ummm...  
TT: Classified information!  
TT: Everything's okay now!  
TT: I ended up starting early by accident.  
TT: So I'm kind of in the middle of fighting and stuff right now, but I'll try to help you out! =)   
OH: classified information?  
OH: whatever, if you've already started we don't have as much time, so let's get this show on the road.  
OH: so i guess you can just go ahead and install then.   
TT: Right! =)  
TT: Let's get all the alchemy started!  
TT: Then we'll prototype your kernelsprite and start building up to the first gate! =D   
OH: perfect!

## LATER

Oh no, oh no, oh no! This isn't going right at all, not at all! This is absolutely terrible. I can't believe what a mess I've made! Poor Kyon. Why'd my Internet stop working while I was moving something? I'm so, so sorry, Kyon!

TT: I'm so, so sorry, Kyon!  
TT: I can't believe I let this happen!   
OH: no  
OH: it's... okay  
OH: there was nothing you could have done.  
OH: it was just the internet.  
OH: this is... so... this just isn't right.  
OH: i hate this game already.  
OH: it's only natural that it should happen when you're moving stuff so heavy around...  
OH: and i guess i can just use her as my second-tier prototype then...  
OH: i hope she doesn't mind being a lamp...   
TT: Oh, I still feel so guilty, though... =(  
TT: And getting hit in the head with a toilet... it's adding insult to injury. DX

IMOUTOSPRITE: Ow...  
IMOUTOSPRITE: I don't feel very good! )=  
IMOUTOSPRITE: Kyon, what happened?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ("Imouto" means "little sister" in Japanese.)


	9. Oh, nothing so crude.

\-- ordinaryHuman [OH] began pestering curiousConversationalist [CC] \--

OH: hey koizumi, what's going on over there?  
OH: i heard something happened with asahina's session.  
OH: everything all right?  
CC: We ran into a bit of trouble at the beginning of the session, but everything's fine now.  
CC: Thanks for your concern.  
CC: How did it go on your end?  
OH: oh, it went fine.  
OH: i got my own little lecture about skaia and all that bullshittery  
OH: and apparently i'm, um  
OH: a knight  
CC: Of...?  
OH: the um  
OH: knight of heart  
OH: ...  
OH: yeahhhhhhhhh  
CC: An admirable title, I should think.  
CC: Do you find it embarrassing?  
OH: oh uh no it's just  
OH: i mean, what's that even mean?  
OH: i'm not like... a knight  
OH: you could be a knight, or maybe hell even like... haruhi  
OH: (like, she could be a... girl knight... or something)  
OH: and... heart? i mean it's kind of a vague thing  
OH: is it supposed to mean i'm, like, some sort of generous brave soul?  
OH: i just dunno, man, that's all.  
CC: I see.  
CC: I suppose you're a bit nervous about rising to the challenge your name poses.  
CC: That's the power of titles, I suppose.  
OH: oh god, not more philosophy bs.  
OH: seriously, dude. now is not the time for this.  
OH: and... hang on, you're getting me distracted here.  
OH: what happened with you and asahina?!  
CC: My, my. It seems you've caught me.  
CC: At the moment, suffice it to say that there are some secrets I'm obligated to keep, in the interest of all our welfares.  
CC: Although I suppose it's just as well, since if I've understood this correctly, it might just branch off into...  
CC: Well, suffice it to say that our Asahina is the Maid of Time.  
OH: oh god, there's time travel in this game?  
OH: are we gonna have to go back in time and kill hitler?  
OH: lemme warm up my tardis. i sure hope the chameleon circuit isn't broken again.  
CC: Oh, nothing so crude.  
CC: It seems to mostly revolve around time loops, as far as I can tell.  
CC: However, that sort of thing will primarily be Asahina's job, so you shouldn't worry too much about it.  
OH: all right, cool, i guess.  
OH: i just hope we don't all end up becoming our own fathers or something. that'd be way too weird.  
CC: Would it be?  
 CC: How are we to know society as a whole is not created by its own self through time travel?  
CC: Or perhaps our world leaders are all time travelers from the future.  
 CC: The Prime Minister does share my family name. Perhaps it's not a coincidence?  
 CC: Ha ha! Just kidding.  
OH: yeah, i was about to say, fat chance.  
OH: besides, everyone knows that it's really nerv who controls everything in this country.  
 CC: You're right about that one, of course.

 **A brief overview of the Japanese sociopolitical situation.**

NERV was, officially, just a DEFENSE COMPANY. As a CIVILIAN CONTRACTOR to the government, they were responsible for all kinds of weaponry and military force that the actual Japanese government legally could not provide. This was the extent of their activity, excluding some forays into SCALE MODELS of some of the cooler weapons, heavily marketed SOFT DRINKS, and animated television productions (called ANIMES).

Officially.

Of course, EVERYONE KNEW this was not the case. In truth, Nerv was THE GOVERNMENT ITSELF and the Prime Minister, along with all of the Diet, was MERELY ITS PUPPET. It wasn't, however, some kind of SECRET MASONIC SOCIETY; it was, more mundanely, just a very powerful company with EVERY POLITICIAN IN THE DIET IN ITS POCKET.

Its CEO/Commander, Mr. IKARI, was infamous for being, in the eyes of the public, a COLD, FORBIDDING FIGURE. He was also infamous in the eyes of the public for being the sort of businessman who ALWAYS GOT HIS WAY. These two public infamies, while exaggerated, were based IN TRUTH, and they were DIRECTLY RELATED.

The board of directors consisted of him and SEVEN OTHER PEOPLE: Mrs. IKARI (his wife), Mr. FUYUTSUKI (his former college professor), Mr. and Mrs. LANGLEY-SORYU (the best scientific team and worst marriage in Japan), Dr. AKAGI, Junior (his secret lover), Ms. KATSURAGI (the daughter of one of his most respected colleagues), and Mr. KAJI (a government spy who actually spies on the government).

The board tended to agree with him essentially ALL OF THE TIME. When they were not agreeing with him, they were agreeing with MRS. IKARI.

But whether they were agreeing with Mr. or Mrs. Ikari, they were really agreeing with SEELE. Although EVERYONE KNEW that Nerv was in charge of the country, what NO ONE KNEW (except for Mr. and Mrs. Ikari) was that there was another organization in charge of Nerv, and while Nerv was not a secret masonic society, Seele WAS.

 **LATER(?)**

She knew it had only been a week that she had been playing this game, but already it felt like forever.

So many of her friends were dead. The ones that weren't were struggling. And she wasn't sure if the game was winnable anymore. Which would mean that they would all die, eventually.

She wished desperately for a way back. But there was none. Deviating would accomplish nothing and merely doom her; any deviation from the alpha timeline resulted in destruction.

...

Wait a minute. This didn't _have_ to be the alpha timeline. All she had to do was make it _not!_

She held the slip of paper in her hand. She stared at it for what seemed like an eternity even for a time traveler.

She crushed it. And she fled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh shit, I got even more crossover in your crossover! Sorry, it's just a little extra world-building to help differentiate the world in this story from the world in the official Haruhi Suzumiya series. I've already deviated massively, so I hope you don't mind that I got my Evangelion chocolate in your Haruhi peanut butter. I can assure you it's just a bit of an in-joke and these characters will not actually feature prominently in the story, and indeed probably won't get characterized at all. (That's not to say that they won't be relevant in the plot...)


	10. Kyon: Stop being Haruhi and be you.

**> Kyon: Be past Haruhi.**

These imps are quite possibly the coolest things you have ever encountered!

They all have these big, cute eyes, plus they're all dressed in maid outfits for some reason! You think they're just about the most adorable things in the world.

That said, they also have this habit of trying to kill you. You've ended up having to partake in fisticuffs with them, wielding your good old BOXING GLOVES you happened to have lying around. Now your strife specibus is set to GLOVEKIND, although you're not really sure what other kinds of gloves you could possibly fight with.

Fortunately, it's easy enough to dispatch these imps. Even if they do constantly manage to somehow put girly bows in your hair just by hitting you, it's not exactly a useful ability in battle. You've been punching the snot out of these silly little frolickers for a good hour or so, and it never stops being fun.

 **> Kyon: Stop being Haruhi and be you.**

These imps are quite possibly the most annoying things you have ever encountered.

It's bad enough that they constantly manage to put girly bows in your hair just by hitting you, but they also can make themselves spontaneously glow excruciatingly bright, as though a switch had been flipped. It made them kind of a pain in the ass to get rid of. However, after you alchemized yourself some SUNGLASSES, it became a bit easier, and with your ALUMINUM BAT, you've been making short work of them.

But you still have far too many stories to go before you reach your first gate, and whacking the hell out of these little bastards is only fun for so long. Damn you, Haruhi! How the hell did you get to your first gate so fast?!

 **> Kyon: Be Mikuru.**

You cannot be Mikuru right now! She's SLEEPING!

 **> Kyon: Be future Mikuru.**

You cannot be future Mikuru! The future has NOT YET HAPPENED (from YOUR PERSPECTIVE)!

 **> Kyon: Be past Mikuru?**

You cannot be past Mikuru! The author is too busy with his CAGEY BULLSHIT for that!

 **> Kyon: Oh, Christ, fine then! Be present Haruhi.**

Well, since you asked nicely...

 **  
THE LAND OF RUNES AND SEASHELLS.   
**

You find yourself on an ISLAND SHORE, the eponymous SEASHELLS littering the ground. The breeze carries the fishy, tangy scent of the ocean to your nose. The humidity in the air causes you to sweat a little. The sun is rising, painting the sky in hues of orange and red.

To your EAST, you see nothing but the vast expanse of blue water, and to your WEST, you see crumbling, vast RUINS, no doubt left behind by some native civilization of island dwellers. They're long-forgotten now, with nothing but those ruins indicating they ever existed. Only the constant and soothing sound of WAVES breaking on the shoreline remains.

...

God, THIS IS BORING. Is this what your land is going to be like ALL THE TIME?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, I went back and edited the story so Haruhi and Kyon are twelve instead of fifteen. Are you okay with this? Of course you are!


	11. kinda like... bees i guess?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess what, the characters are 15 again! Having them be 12 was supposed to make the ending make more sense, but honestly? I just can't imagine 12-year-old kids doing the things these ones have done and will be doing. So the ending is going to be a bit more convoluted to make it work.

The calls of seagulls echo across the sky. You wipe the sweat from your brow. The ruins of stone stand before you, once majestic but now crumbling, and you can smell the ancient dust.

They sure are ruins.

Yep.

...

You guess you're supposed to, like, investigate 'em or something? You figure the runes that are mentioned in the Land's title are inside the ruins?

Ruin runes. Heh.

God, is this really what you're going to be doing? This is _so_ lame. Why can't you beat the crap out of something? Or just do something more like... running and jumping and defeating enemies and stuff? How exactly are you supposed to bring joy sifting through dusty ruins and tombs and shit?

Maybe you're just underestimating this game, though. Maybe there are mummies or something in there. That would be pretty cool, you guess. Ooh, and maybe there's an ancient curse! And maybe some traps, Indiana Jones style. Yeah that'd be awesome!

You don't know what you were thinking. This is totally gonna be cool! All right, let's do this thing!

 **LATER, NEAR THE END OF THE DAY**

Nope, just some boring old ruins. God dammit.

Well, that's not totally true. There are _some_ monsters in there that you have to kill. Well, actually, just more imps, but you know. Also, for some reason, dogs. You don't know why exactly there are dogs, but they've been very helpful, so there's no reason to look a gift dog in the mouth, you suppose.

But no mummies, no curses, not even any cool traps. Well, a couple of traps, but they were lame. You were hoping for something flashy, but there were just a lot of dead ends. There weren't even any like pits or rocks that would trap you inside a room. (Although you ought to be thankful for that, you suppose, since you can't really punch away rocks. Or maybe if you alchemized some turbo gloves or something, but you kind of left all the alchemy equipment behind. You made all sorts of random crap, but in retrospect you really should have tried to upgrade your weapon. Maybe later in the game you'll get a chance for that.)

Anyway, yeah. It's been really boring and lame and you're starting to think this game is stupid and dumb. You're so bored you actually decided to check in with Kyon. Even talking to him and hearing all about his boring crap in his boring land is sure to be more interesting than trying to translate more crappy runes that you don't understand.

\-- ultraDirector [UD] began pestering ordinaryHuman [OH] \--

UD: HEY, kyon! HOW are YOU doing?  
UD: WHAT'S your LAND called AGAIN?   
OH: the land of hills and fairies.   
UD: I bet YOU'VE been HAVING lots OF fun!   
OH: yeah, i've been having a fucking PEACHY time over here  
OH: i just have to climb up and down these fucking hills  
OH: (and lemme tell ya, it gets really tiring after a while!)  
OH: and i have to deal with these stupid lightbulb imps that blind me  
OH: plus the fairies, don't even get me started on them.   
UD: WHAT'S wrong WITH fairies? THEY sound COOL! i LIKE fairies!   
OH: that's because you've never met any.  
OH: i mean, if you really read up on them, fairies are assholes.  
OH: but what really seals the deal is... well  
OH: they are basically little copies of you.   
UD: ARE you SAYING that I'M an ASSHOLE? >:(   
OH: no, i'm being literal.  
OH: these are actual, factual copies of you or something.  
OH: they all look exactly like you, they all act exactly like you  
OH: and they all answer to the name haruhi, and they all apparently know who i am. they are basically you in every way.  
OH: well, except they're also these... i dunno, they have a sort of caste system?  
OH: they'll all refer to each other by number. you know, haruhi #413612 or something, but just the number for short  
OH: and apparently there's like a "fairy queen" who's their boss, kinda like... bees i guess?  
OH: only not really, more like sort of a totalitarian dictatorship or something  
OH: or, that's not the right word...  
OH: autocracy?   
UD: KYON, i REALLY don't GIVE a SHIT about THE implications OF tiny FAIRY versions OF me ON political PHILOSOPHY!  
UD: ANYWAY, what's THE problem WITH that? YOU'RE boring BY yourself, SO having ALL that EXTRA me AROUND you WILL make YOUR life LESS lame!   
OH: they're annoying.  
OH: they don't leave me alone.  
OH: i mean i can deal with one of you pretty well. but times thousands? (and there really are thousands, i asked)  
OH: it gets old veeeeery fast.   
UD: LET me TALK to ONE!   
OH: let me think about that no.  
OH: no you cannot.  
OH: so, how's your shit been?   
UD: BOOOOORIIIIIIIIING!  
UD: I thought THIS would BE cool, BUT it's JUST been BORING rune TRANSLATING and STUFF!  
UD: WHY are YOU even ASKING? you CAN see ALL this!   
OH: i just wanted to change the subject. not actually interested very much.   
UD: UGH! you ARE so LAME.  
UD: FORGET it. I'LL talk TO you LATER!

\-- ultraDirector [UD] ceased pestering ordinaryHuman [OH] \--

 **> Haruhi: Be Kyon.**

You cannot be Kyon, because Kyon refuses to let you control him! Looks like you'll just have to push him around using your usual methods of intimidation and coercion.

 **> Haruhi: Be Fairy Haruhi #70707.**

Sure, why not. You are now Fairy Haruhi #70707.

Whee! You're a fairy. Fairies are cool! This is so much fun! It's fun being a fairy and flying around. But now it's even more fun because there's someone to bother!

"Hey, listen up, stupid!" you say, flitting around in his face.

"Oh christ. What is it now?" Kyon looks mad. He's funny!

"I've got something important to tell you!"

"All right, fine." He sighs. "What do you need to tell me?"

"I'm telling you that you're super lame and boring. Seriously, what are you doing?"

"I'm making shelter, dumbass. What does it look like I'm doing?"

"You're supposed to be climbing hills and killing enemies!"

"Okay, first of all, I'm not climbing any more of those goddamn hills today. It's the most infuriatingly pointless thing I can think of and exhausting besides. I wish I hadn't started playing SOSburb. If I was living a normal life I'd never have to climb all these stupid goddamn hills all the time. And second, I've already killed plenty of enemies."

"Bah, you're so lame. Setting up your stupid shelters so you can just sleep."

"It's important for growing teenagers to get all the rest they need. It's a human thing. Not something you'd understand, being an annoying fairy."

"Bluh bluh bluh, I'm Kyon, I need my rest, I'm so lame and I don't do anything because I'm responsible whatever that means, I'm gonna lose at SOSburb 'cuz I do stupid things that are stupid and dumb and even though awesome fairies are giving me all kinds of good advice I won't take it 'cuz I'm so normal it's depressing, I smell like-"

 **SHOOSH!**

 _"Hey!_ Don't you swat at me, I'm not a bug! You don't want me to unleash this can of magical whoop-ass on you!"

"Whatever. Anyway, you're not allowed to imitate me. I am adding that right now to the Things You're Not Allowed to Do List."

"You're stupid. That's stupid. I'm not gonna follow your stupid list of rules!"

"Nope, you are. Don't you want to meet the original Haruhi?"

"...Fine. I'll follow your rules. But only out of loyalty to the legendary Original One! Not because I'm answering to you or anything."

"Great. Good night!" Kyon gets into his little tent that he's been setting up and zips it up.

You fly right through the tent into his room.

"Oh, fuck! You're too bright!" He shields his eyes.

"What, you weren't lonely without me? Come on. I just wanted to use my musical fairy magic to sing you a lullaby!"

He sighs. "Fine, go for it."

[You begin to sing.](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=psuRGfAaju4)

Kyon doesn't even say anything. He just grabs you and throws you out of his tent.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this one took so long. I always seem to run into a wall eventually in my fic-writing. Luckily, with this one I've already established the pattern of doing short vignettes, so I should actually be able to continue and get back in the rhythm when it happens.


	12. requesting m0re specificity

**THREE HOURS AGO**

Your name is YUKI NAGATO, and you are fifteen years old, but you feel A LOT OLDER THAN THAT. This is because you never really FEEL ALIVE anymore.

It's hard to feel alive when you are LITERALLY DEAD. You are, in fact, a GHOST.

You don't, of course, tell this to your peers. That would be INOPTIMAL. It doesn't matter, though, since you don't particularly care. You don't particularly care about PRETTY MUCH ANYTHING.

You do, however, have INTERESTS. Your main one is READING. There's nothing you used to love more than curling up with a GOOD BOOK, and although you can hardly be said to love anything these days, it's still perhaps the only activity that you would consider ENGAGING. Your SECONDARY INTEREST, of course, is COMPUTER PROGRAMMING. You used to be YOUR OWN HARSHEST JUDGE as far as your talent in that area, but it NO LONGER MATTERS. Your skills are adequate for the tasks you are set.

Your Pesterchum handle is spectralSnowflake and y0u have a duty t0 carry 0ut

What will you do?

 **> Pester temperateTeamaiden.**

No. If you needed to talk to temperateTeamaiden, you wouldn't pester her; she would tease you. This is not because you are PASSIVE, though one may be forgiven for assuming so. It's just because lately you've been talking to temperateTeamaiden from VARIOUS POINTS IN THE FUTURE, and at the moment only she has the TIME-TRAVELING INSTANT MESSAGING SOFTWARE necessary to establish contact. Soon enough you'll begin to WRITE IT, but not for a while yet; you have MORE IMPORTANT things to do.

 **> Get teased by temperateTeamaiden.**

Sure.

\-- temperateTeamaiden [TT] started teasing spectralSnowflake [SS] \--

TT: Hello, Miss Nagato! =D  
TT: How were you?   
SS: i am fine   
TT: Great! I'll need to have talked to you today about something.  
TT: I have another assignment for you.  
TT: Would you like to hear what it is?   
SS: yes   
TT: Please start installing SOSburb early.  
TT: You'll have needed to have it available soon!   
SS: i will d0 s0   
TT: Great! =D  
TT: Oh, by the way, there's something else I want you to do.  
TT: Um, would it be okay if...  
TT: I mean, would you mind passing on a message to Kyon for me?   
SS: i w0uld n0t   
TT: Tell Kyon to be careful about Miss Suzumiya.  
TT: Remind him that she's volatile! It's really important, OK?   
SS: 0k  
SS: i will tell him   
TT: Talk to you later/earlier! ^w^   
SS: g00dbye

\-- temperateTeamaiden [TT] stopped teasing spectralSnowflake [SS] \--

 **> Install SOSburb.**

Yes. You'll just go get the discs and-

Oh, who's this? You've never talked to this user before.

 **> Answer mysterious somebody.**

\-- phantomClockwork [PC] began pestering spectralSnowflake [SS] \--

PC: _______________  
PC: _________you________  
PC: ________  
PC: _______created_from_____________  
PC: ___________  
SS: wh0 are y0u  
PC: ___________3 years_______________  
PC: __________nerv__________others____________  
PC: __________________________  
PC: ________________________________  
PC: __________________daughter  
PC: _____________  
PC: smith

\-- phantomClockwork [PC] ceased pestering spectralSnowflake [SS] \--

Looks like it was a spambot. They float around on Pesterchum, and you've encountered a few from time to time.

You block it. You hope that you don't contract a virus - not that you care, but your duties require the use of a working computer.

 **> OK, _now_ install SOSburb.**

All right. The discs are-

\-- ??? began ???ing spectralSnowflake [SS] \--

Hello, there. Good morning.  
I do believe we've never met before.   
SS: wh0 are y0u   
I'm a doctor.  
Well, not a literal one, but a kind-of doctor.   
SS: requesting m0re specificity   
Do you mean a name? Oh, I go by a lot of those.  
A name isn't really anything. You can just call me "hey you" or "that guy" if you want.   
SS: y0u misunderstand my request  
SS: what is y0ur m0tive   
To save the world, sort of.  
Or perhaps to destroy it. I'm not picky, really.  
Whatever. It comes to the same thing.  
Dear me, I'm not making any sense here, am I?   
SS: perhaps y0u are  
SS: perhaps n0t  
SS: it is n0t my place to assess  
SS: 0nly t0 0bserve   
Ah, I like the way you think.  
If you want something to call me, though, try J•hn Smith.   
SS: why   
Because it's as good as any.  
As for the O? It's a bullet point.  
I use a bullet point these days. Bullet points are cool.   
SS: irrelevant   
Aw, really? You're no fun.  
Good grief. What am I wasting my time here for?  
Anyway, I just thought I'd let you know that I exist.  
Tee tee why ell, as the kids these days message.   


\-- ??? ceased ???ing spectralSnowflake [SS]

You have no idea what his deal is.

 **> Install SOSburb already!**

You do so. Although it's not particularly exciting to watch, since you're just sitting there at the computer, but [the background music makes it a little less tedious.](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gOSnen64a7M) Or at least it would, if the audience were watching this instead of just reading some text.

Oh well. It's a good track, at any rate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> catastrophicGenesis, from the MSPA forums, helped me with the picture at the beginning of the chapter. They graciously whipped up a spritey version of Yuki's hair for me, which I hadn't asked for at all, merely commented on (I originally just used Nepeta's hair, which was passable but just not... "Yuki"). So here you go. There might be more art in the future, hopefully with cG's help.
> 
> (And by "help" I may in fact mean "complete takeover of art duties". I'm a pretty horrid artist. I'm barely able to manipulate images; that picture you see up there is the peak of my skill.)
> 
> Anyway, yeah. Shout out to catastrophicGenesis for being awesome.


	13. Main screen turn on.

**YEARS IN THE FUTURE, but not many (3)**

On a far-off, undiscovered wasteland planet, although it isn't actually far off or undiscovered so only the last bit is true, you find the PLOT INSTIGATOR, who is YOU, busy with his IMAGINATION.

 **> PI: Say hello to the readership.**

Normally, the brazen lack of a FOURTH WALL would make this a foolhardy command, but luckily for us, your imagination is EXTREMELY VIBRANT. You tip your hat to the audience and invite them all to sit with you.

Except for Aaron. Get out of here, Aaron. No one likes you.

 **> PI: Tell us a story.**

You consent. Once upon a time, you relate, there was a beautiful FAIRY PRINCESS.

Oh, a bit too cliche? Sorry. It's okay, you have another story.

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful ELVEN PRINCESS.

No? Well, all right then. Perhaps something with more action might catch the reader's fancy?

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful PIRATE PRINCESS.

...No? No pirates?

But they swashbuckle and everything! You begin to wonder if the readers have any taste at all.

Anyway, why don't they want to hear any stories? How do they know this isn't PLOT FORESHADOWING? I mean, sure, it's not right now, but it could have been later! Readers have no right to be so fickle.

...  
Fine. No story.

 **> PI: Main screen turn on.**

You activate the main screen. A young lady flickers into view.

 **> Good day, miss human person!**

Hello, mysterious voice. I'm Mikuru's subconscious.

 **> Are you currently occupied?**

Not at the moment, no.

 **> I would very much like you to perform a simple task for me!**

Okay. What can I do for you?  
 **  
> Would you kindly move eight centimetres to your left?**

Sure! =3

 **> Thank you!**

You're welcome! Have a nice day. :D  
 **  
EARLIER TODAY**

More than once upon a time, there was a beautiful TIME PRINCESS. And that was you.

You guess you weren't really a princess, though. More like a MAID OF TIME. You are quite sure this is a title unique only to yourself and not one that anyone else has ever had ever.

But today you're going to have to be more than a princess or a maiden. You're going to have to be a heroine.

You wish, in some deep recess of your mind dimly aware of the coming events, you were prepared.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For some reason the formatting that made pesterlogs appear in Courier stopped working. Obviously that has nothing to do with this chapter, but it's bugging me. I might get around to fixing it sometime, but maybe not. We'll see if it really adds that much.


End file.
